Unspoken
by LE McMurray
Summary: Rodney mourns the loss of someone he loves. McKayCadman CadmanBeckett


Author's Notes:- Thanks to Stonedtoad for betaing.

This is a slightly updated version.

Enjoy

* * *

Rodney stood under the awning on the balcony, watching the rain hammer down onto the sea. The dark grey sky matched his mood and that of many in the city as another wake took place.

He'd stood at the back, waiting until the service had finished so he could leave, so he didn't have to watch as everyone consoled Carson, not one of them realising that he was hurting just as much.

He'd loved her too.

Rodney leaned into the corner, wishing he could melt into the wall, just so he didn't have to feel like this for a while.

He hadn't meant to fall for Laura Cadman but gradually, somehow she'd just slipped into his heart and refused to leave, even now in death. Not that they'd gotten on when they'd first met.

Rodney found her annoying, unprofessional and just plain aggravating while she had found him egotistical, petty and as aggravating as he found her. Their enforced body co-habitation hadn't exactly made them friends; in fact Rodney avoided her as much as possible. He didn't like the fact she had so much information on him. Then after they'd worked together to stop the city exploding Rodney had tried to avoid her again, mostly because he'd accused her of being the one behind the sabotage. But it was impossible to avoid her. She was Carson's girlfriend so she would appear at mealtimes or when they were watching a movie and he was forced into spending time with her.

John, of course ,found it extremely amusing to bring Laura on missions, then assign her to stick to Rodney and this was how they'd slowly become friends.

* * *

_John turned, his mouth open to speak and he stopped as he noticed Laura was already standing at Rodney's side. They were deep in discussion, well arguing already but it made him smile that they automatically stood together._

_He'd originally brought Laura onto the team for a few missions so he could irritate Rodney without even having to try, the entertainment value was priceless but after a few missions John had decided to make her a full time member of the team. To his surprise, there hadn't even been a token protest from Rodney._

_Rodney had just looked up from what he was studying and frowned at John, "Who the hell did she piss off to be punished like that?"_

_As the months passed, it became more and more obvious that they were actually friends. Their arguments were more banter and insults had genuine affection behind them, as did the occasional death threats._

_He began to notice that anytime they had a team night it included several honorary members. Carson as he was a friend of all of them, not to mention Laura's boyfriend, usually came if his workload allowed him and Radek was usually there as well, considering he had taken Rodney's place on the team on the odd mission when the other scientist was ill, injured or otherwise the focus of the rescue._

x

"_Put me down," Laura snapped, making John turn to find Rodney had somehow, inexplicably caught her unaware and managed to throw her over his shoulder in a fireman's lift._

"_You were the one who said I'd never catch you off guard," Rodney crowed, spinning her around with a grin on his face._

_Teyla was trying hard not to laugh while Ronon rolled his eyes as he sat leaning against a rock sharpening his knife._

"_Rodney, put me down or I will make you pay," Laura threatened._

_John sighed and went back to watching the perimeter, the planet was deserted and they were just breaking camp to head back to the Gate. _

"_Fine," Rodney set her down gently, grinning as she regained her balance._

_Laura turned on him and punched his arm, "Try that again, Rodney and you'll find out what it's like to have a broken arm."_

_Rodney shrugged and retrieved his pack, "Are we ready?"_

_John rolled his eyes, he'd never expected those two to become so close but they had and it made for interesting missions._

* * *

Rodney closed his eyes as he thought back over the time when things had been simpler, when he hadn't felt like this. He wasn't sure when he'd began to include her in the very small list of people he trusted most but one day she'd been there.

He could hear people moving around just inside the door from where he stood, all talking quietly. Since it had happened no one had raised their voice, no one wanted to disrespect the woman the city was remembering that day.

Finally they moved away and Rodney sighed, relieved that no one had come out onto the balcony to disturb his solitude.

As the rain grew even heavier, Rodney thought back to when his feelings for her had changed.

* * *

_The team were having lunch on one of the balconies near the mess; it had been Teyla's idea that they sit in the sun while they ate. Ronon was sitting in the corner, closest to the door diagonally from Teyla, who was sitting against the railing enjoying the sunshine. John was leaning against one side while Rodney and Laura were across from him._

"_Okay," John spoke up, "Fifteen across…"_

"_We don't care," Rodney cut him off._

"_Come on, Rodney," John frowned, "Little bit of team bonding."_

_Rodney rolled his eyes, "Where did you get a crossword from anyway?"_

"_The Daedalus," John replied, "Brought a whole bunch of supplies including some puzzle books for us to relax with."_

"_They also brought mail," Laura spoke up as she stole part of Rodney's chocolate muffin._

"_How'd you know that?" Rodney cried, waving her away from his food, he didn't protest too much about the stolen food however, she'd been depressed lately since she and Carson had split then he'd returned to Earth for several months. _

"_Alphabetically," John answered absently as he stared at his puzzle._

_Ronon looked up at them from his corner, "Why do you care? I thought you didn't like your family."_

_Rodney shrugged, "I keep in touch with my sister."_

_It always amazed John how different Rodney was around the four members of his team. If anyone else had asked that, they'd be looking for their dignity after Rodney had torn them apart. _

"_Dr McKay?" a voice from the doorway made them all turn to where a nervous looking marine stood, "I have a letter for you."_

_Rodney nodded, snapping his fingers at the young man, "Give me it."_

_The young marine scrambled in and quickly offered the small envelope out to the scientist who snatched it before shooing the marine away._

"_See," Rodney grinned as he ripped open the envelope, "I've got mail," he started to read and his face fell suddenly._

"_Rodney?" Laura asked, worried by how pale he had become._

"_Is something wrong?" Teyla moved to his side as Rodney dropped the paper he'd been holding._

"_My father died," Rodney whispered after a second before he jumped up and left._

"_Who's going?" Ronon asked._

_John dropped his paper, stopping both Laura and Teyla, "I'll go."_

_Laura and Teyla nodded keeping their seats, Laura picked up the discarded letter and folded it carefully before slipping it into her pocket to give to Rodney when he wanted it back._

x

"_Hey, Lieutenant," John greeted Laura as she walked into the Christmas party the next night, "Nice look."_

"_This old thing," Laura smiled, glancing down at the long figure hugging dark green dress she was wearing, "I do own something other than fatigues you know."_

"_I'm sure Carson would love to know that," John grinned before wincing, "Sorry."_

_Laura shrugged, "It's nothing. We could barely spend time together when we're both on Atlantis. With him back on Earth for the next while, it made sense to break up."_

_John nodded, still feeling like an idiot for the blunder, "Well, you may as well come and join the festivities and save me from really boring conversations with our…guests."_

_Laura grinned as she glanced around the room where the delegation of the Atlantis teams' latest trading partners stood, many in deep conversation. As she noted who was here, the absence of one person was very obvious._

"_Where's Rodney?" she asked softly._

_John shrugged, "Elizabeth told him he didn't have to come tonight. I think he's hiding out in one of the labs or the Jumper Bay, after the message he received from Earth."_

_Laura sighed sadly, "He looked pretty distraught at the news."_

_Before they could say anything else, Elizabeth descended on them with the leader of the trading delegation. Since John's team had made first contact then it had been made mandatory for them to be here tonight._

"_You'll have to excuse me," Laura said before Elizabeth she could kidnap them both to join the conversation, "I was just going to take Rodney something to eat." _

_Elizabeth nodded, "That's a good idea."_

"_Traitor," John muttered to her, frowning when she winked at him before disappearing._

x

_Laura grabbed a plate and loaded it with some food, grabbing two cups of punch. As she was leaving the room, Kate Heightmeyer appeared and tossed a Santa hat onto her head._

"_Hide it," the doctor pleaded, "Before I have to kill someone. Whoever thought of mistletoe hats should be strangled."_

"_Okay," Laura smiled, amused sliding out as Kate's date pulled her away to dance. _

_With a glance back around the room, she saw John roll his eyes at her. Laura gave him a wide grin then winked before she slipped away._

_It took her a while but she finally managed to track down the astrophysicist to the Jumper Bay pulling apart one of the Jumpers. Laura stopped just outside, watching him, feeling the sorrow he was radiating and wished she could help in some way. Rodney turned, when he saw her confusion covered his face._

"_I come bearing sustenance," she told him with a smile._

_Rodney stared at her for a few moments, his eyes travelling over her body before he smiled, "Wow, Cadman, I didn't know you had legs."_

"_Watch it or the punch goes over your head," she threatened as she set the two cups and the plate on the bench of the Jumper, "I thought you might want something to eat."_

"_Thank you," Rodney replied quietly, he looked tired and Laura wanted to wrap him in her arms, to take away the pain he was feeling._

_Laura slid to sit on the opposite bench, "Want to talk about it?"_

"_Not really," Rodney avoided her eyes as he grabbed some chocolate cake, "There's not much to say really."_

"_Rodney, your father just died," Laura cried, exasperated at how closed off he was._

"_I know," he snapped back, "And the man made my life hell when I was a kid," he sighed, "I hated him, Laura so I don't understand why I feel like this."_

_Her brown eyes were filled with sympathy, "Because he was your father, Rodney. And now you will never be able to show him that you are a good man."_

_Rodney looked up at her, surprise in his eyes that she thought this of him. After a few minutes of silence, he decided he should say something._

"_You look beautiful you know," he told her._

"_Thank you," Laura smiled, a slight blush creeping across her cheeks, "You could have dressed up a bit though."_

_Rodney stood up properly and brushed the dirt from his pants, "Well, since I was here first and there's no one else here, I think you're the one overdressed. The hat is just perfect though."_

_Laura looked at him confused, reaching up and feeling the Santa hat on her head. She pulled it off and stood to face him, fixing it on his head, "It is almost Christmas, Rodney, tis the season."_

_Rodney rolled his eyes, "So, how's the party going?"_

_Laura laughed, "I think the Colonel is going to gnaw his arm off so he can go to the infirmary and hide."_

_Rodney gave a small smile, "Want some music?"_

_Laura gave him a confused look, "Music?"_

_Rodney grinned and hit a few controls, filling the Jumper with the music from the party._

"_Very cool," Laura smiled as she settled onto the bench, slipping off her shoes and curling her legs under her._

"_What's your date got to say about you ditching him?" Rodney asked as he took a drink._

_Laura shrugged, "I don't have a date."_

_Rodney winced, "You're missing Carson."_

"_Yes," she shrugged, "But I think it's more I miss the idea. We were barely seeing each other before he left."_

"_Still," Rodney took a seat beside her, "I know it sucks."_

_Laura smiled before she started to laugh, "You know, you look really stupid in that hat."_

_He rolled his eyes at her, removing the hat and tossing it away, it caught on some webbing and hung there. _

_Laura tilted her head to one side, "Nicely done," she turned to look at him, frowning, "You look tired, Rodney. You need to get some rest."_

"_I'm fine," he snapped, moving away from her._

"_Rodney…"_

"_I don't need someone telling me what to do," Rodney returned to working on the systems._

_Laura let out an annoyed sigh, moving to his side and grabbing his shoulder, making him turn around, "Stop it."_

_Rodney tried to get away from her but she kept a tight hold of his arm._

"_You're not pushing me away, Rodney," Laura continued, "I am your friend and right now, you're going to listen to me."_

"_What?" he yelled._

"_Rodney, you are hurting," Laura reminded him, "I know you hate the fact that you're feeling anything because of your father's death but you have to face it, Rodney you do have feelings."_

_Rodney sighed, "I hated him so much."_

"_I know," Laura gently rubbed his arm; Rodney's head dropped slightly, his forehead coming to rest against hers._

_Rodney looked down and their eyes locked. Before he realised what he was doing, Rodney leaned into her, gently brushing his lips to hers. When they parted, Rodney was sure she was going to kill him but Laura slipped her arms around his neck and pulled him back to her. The first few kisses were gentle, unsure but soon they became deeper as passion filled them. Rodney pulled her closer to him, his hands gripping her dress as Laura tightened her arms around his neck._

x

_They sat wrapped in one of the emergency blankets, finishing the food Laura had brought with her from the party. Laura's head rested on his shoulder while Rodney's hand gently slid up and down her spine, they sat in silence just relaxing. _

"_You need to get some sleep," Laura told him, her breath warm against his bare skin._

"_I'm fine," he told her._

"_Rodney," she made him look at her, "I know you're hurting that you can't be there for your sister but we need you at your best. Go get some sleep."_

"_Okay," Rodney murmured, his fingers sliding through her hair._

"_I unfortunately, have to go back to the party," she told him, "Otherwise Dr Weir will kill me. Ambassador Telin's son has insisted I talk to him, he seems to like me."_

_Rodney frowned, "I noticed."_

_Laura laughed, resting her chin on his shoulder, "Remember, I can beat you to a pulp, Doctor McKay," she murmured in his ear, "And he's half your size."_

_Rodney turned to her, stealing another kiss, "Just make sure he understands that."_

_Laura drew her fingers along his cheek, "I'll see you tomorrow, Rodney."_

_With that said, she slipped away from him. Quickly dressing, smiling as he dressed himself. They turned to one another and Rodney pushed her hair back, looking down at her, his blue eyes were filled with warmth. Laura smiled up at him before giving him one more gentle kiss._

"_Get some rest, Rodney," she ordered him one more time before she slipped away._

* * *

Rodney sighed; he'd rested that night and somehow, decided he needed to go back to Earth to see his sister. Rodney wished he could go back in time and stop himself from doing that. Maybe if he'd stayed in Atlantis for those few weeks she'd still be here, teasing him, annoying him.

The thing was, until that night, he'd never realised how he felt for her. He'd been happy as friends and all of a sudden things changed. Rodney closed his eyes, letting his mind drift back to the one night he'd felt her lips on his, the night he'd held her and sighed again.

* * *

_Rodney stepped off the Daedalus, happy to be back on Atlantis. He'd spent a lot of time thinking back over the night of the party, thinking what to say to her when they came face to face. As he walked through the corridors, he smiled slightly as Carson appeared round the corner but before he could say anything, Laura appeared at the Doctor's side. Carson's arm was resting around her waist and Rodney forced a smile back onto his face._

"_You're back," Laura said softly, the moment she noticed him._

"_Yeah and I see we finally got our doctor back," Rodney replied, forcing the smile even more, "They finally managed to persuade you to get onto the Daedalus."_

"_You're not funny, Rodney," Carson told him blandly, "It's good to see you too."_

"_I have to go check in with Elizabeth," Rodney excused himself, "See what kind of damage the idiots who call themselves scientists have done in my absence."_

"_We'll see you later," Carson called after him as he walked past them, leaving as fast as he could._

x

"_Rodney," Laura slipped into the lab about a week later, "Can I talk to you?"_

"_Sure," he shrugged, motioning her in closing the door with a thought, "What's up?"_

"_It's about what happened that night in the Jumper," she started nervously._

"_I wanted to say thank you for that," Rodney cut her off, not looking up; "I was in a bad place that night and you helped me through it."_

"_Oh," she stared at him not knowing what to say._

"_You didn't tell Carson did you?" he asked worriedly._

"_No," Laura shook her head._

_Rodney finally looked up at her, "Good. You don't want to ruin what you guys have."_

"_What we…" she struggled, "Of course. We are still friends though, right?"_

"_Of course," he stated sharply, "I mean…you don't hate me, do you?"_

_Laura smiled softly, "No, Rodney," she moved over to him and very gently kissed his cheek, missing the sadness that filled his eyes at her gesture, "I could never hate you."_

"_Now go away," Rodney told her, giving her a gentle push, "Some of us have actual work to do."_

x

_Movie night for the team was a ritual that had been postponed since Rodney had been back on Earth but during his first few weeks back, John forced them all to congregate for the team night. Rodney was one of the first to arrive, taking his seat and continuing to work._

_It was only when Ronon took the laptop did Rodney stop ignoring everyone in the room, as he looked around, his eyes quickly settled on Laura as she leaned against Carson. She looked relaxed; her eyes sparkled with amusement as the group bantered, making fun of the film they were watching. With a sigh, Rodney knew he'd done the right thing, he would have made her miserable, at least this way he'd get to see her every day._

* * *

Rodney dropped his head back against the wall, sliding down the wall to sit as his legs finally gave way beneath him. This shouldn't have happened. He should have been able to do…something, anything but he hadn't and she was gone.

It had only been three days ago that they'd been standing on this very balcony, discussing their upcoming mission as well as the surprise birthday party for Teyla she was making him help with. He'd managed for several months to suppress his feelings for her and even managed to act the same as always towards her.

None of which mattered anymore.

* * *

"_I'm just saying, Rodney," Laura laughed as they walked back to the Stargate._

_He frowned at her, "I am not a kill joy."_

"_Yeah right," she laughed again before looking up at him, "Carson asked me to marry him."_

_Rodney felt his spine stiffen at this declaration from out of the blue, "What did you say?"_

_Laura let out a half laugh, "That I'd have to think about it. It came out of nowhere."_

_Before Rodney could reply, a shot whizzed past his head, Laura grabbed him and they crouched down behind some rocks._

"_Well, this is a great end to a useless mission," Rodney snapped, hitting his radio, "Sheppard, we're pinned down."_

"_It's the Genii, Rodney," John replied, "We're coming after you."_

"_Sir, there are caves here we can hide in," Laura took over, "The Daedalus should be able to get here and get us out in less than two hours."_

"_Not the best plan in the world," John told them._

"_There's no way you can get to us," Laura reminded him, "We can activate the shield Rodney found and it'll keep us hidden until the Daedalus gets here."_

"_I'm not…"_

"_John, you're not getting to us," Rodney snapped, "Go back and send us help."_

_They both heard the Lt Colonel swearing before he sighed, "Do it."_

_As the radio shut off, they looked at one another. Laura gripped her P90 tighter and motioned for him to move. They scrambled through the bushes towards the caves nearby._

"_Rodney, get in," Laura ordered as she watched for any enemies. _

_The sound of gunfire made her spin and Laura pushed Rodney making him fall into the cave, she cried out as the bullets slammed into her, throwing her onto her back just at the caves entrance._

"_Laura?" Rodney gasped before he grabbed her gun and fired at the Genii soldier who'd shot her. Once he was sure he'd got rid of their enemies, he turned back to her, "Laura?"_

"_Get us inside and put the shield up," she ordered through harsh gasps._

_Rodney nodded and sliding his arms around her, lifted her, wincing as she cried out in pain. He got her deeper into the cave before he rested her gently against the wall then he fixed the shield._

"_Laura," he whispered, kneeling beside her as she shook, "Hold on."_

_She shook her head, "Don't…think…I'm gonna…make it."_

_His stomach churned as he did his best to stem the bleeding, he packed the wounds and gave her morphine before grabbing a blanket and wrapping around her shaking form. Laura rested against him, her fingers gripping his jacket, her breath coming in harsh gasps._

"_Its okay, Laura," he breathed into her hair, "They'll be here for us soon."_

_She let out a sigh, "I don't think it'll be soon enough."_

"_Don't say that," he snapped._

_Laura brought her hand up to cup his cheek, "Rodney…"_

"_Stop it," Rodney whispered terrified, "You can't give up on me, Laura."_

_Her brown eyes searched his face, her thumb gently stroked his cheek, "Come on, Rodney, you'll get some peace finally."_

_Rodney gripped her hand, pulling it to his chest, "Don't say that."_

_She gave a weak laugh, "You do like me."_

_Rodney stared at her, "I love you," he blurted out, his arms tightening around her, "And I can't not see you every day."_

_Laura stared at him tears springing to her eyes, "I love you too," she gasped, her breathing rasping and wet, "I love both of you and I was always afraid what would happen, if you ever said those words to me."_

"_Well we're going to find out," he replied, "Because the Daedalus will be here and you're going to be fine."_

_Rodney could feel her breathing slow and he tried desperately to find something in the medical kit that could help but there was nothing. She was fading fast and Rodney pulled her closer to him, his cheek resting against her hair._

"_The night in the Jumper," he murmured to her, "I realised I was in love with you then. I wish I'd told you, I wish…"_

"_I wish you had too," she whispered, her voice so quiet he wouldn't have heard it if they hadn't been cuddled together, "I would like to have known what could have been."_

_Rodney closed his eyes, "Me too."_

"_I'm glad you're here," she murmured._

"_Dr McKay, this is the Daedalus," Caldwell's voice came, "Hold on for transport."_

"_Infirmary," Rodney snapped, "Cadman's injured."_

_The bright white light of the transport filled his vision before fading to the grey room of the infirmary onboard the Daedalus. Rodney continued to hold Laura's body close as the doctor just stood there knowing there was nothing they could do._

_Laura Cadman was dead._

* * *

"Rodney."

The voice above him belonged to the one person he didn't want to see but he had no choice.

"Carson," Rodney pulled himself to his feet, looking at his friend, the doctor looked lost and exhausted.

"I need…" Carson hesitated, "You…you were with her Rodney. Did she say anything?"

Rodney turned away for a second, squeezing his eyes shut tightly as he thought back.

"_I love you too…I love both of you and I was always afraid what would happen, if you ever said those words to me."_

Rodney turned back to his friend, his breath caught in the back of his throat. Finally, he managed to find his voice.

"She said," Rodney took a deep breath, "She said she loved you and she was going to say yes."

A small smile touched Carson's lips, "Thank you, Rodney."

He stood watching Carson leave before he turned and stepped out into the pouring rain, leaning against the railing so that no one would see his tears.


End file.
